Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Creativity saves the day

Today started with a feeling of dread. As time goes on in this eating disorder, hope is leaching out of me. I'm doing what I can, but I feel incredibly stuck. I have had the growing sense that I am very slowly going down the plug hole. I keep eliminating stuff off my 'Things to do, and people to talk to' list, because I come away hurt. I'm so blinking sensitive - tears keep leaking out. My world has shrunk and I now live out of one corner of my bedroom, wedged behind my heater.

So before I got out of bed this morning, I decided that no good was likely to come of the day. My grand plan was this: take the kids to school; come home; get into bed; hide under the covers. That's it. I didn't have a single drop of happy in me. 

But then...and thank goodness for the but then...sensible me, the adult one, stepped in. She's a bit bossy, but that's what I need sometimes. She just said: Draw. Something. Anything, it doesn't matter what. You don't feel like it but do it anyway. It doesn't have to be a masterpiece, just do it to keep you hands busy and the doom at bay. With the self imposed pressure of having to create 'proper art' removed, I agreed. I felt very slightly more optimistic. I pondered what to draw - just something enjoyable, something safe. Feathers are nice, I thought. Soft, pretty, easily damaged. Lots of stringy bits. That'll keep me busy for awhile! Again my mood was lifted, and by quite a lot. Ok great, said the bossy one Just draw a fucking feather.

With that decision made, I was off - I started looking at pictures of feathers. Hey, look at these feathers, they're really lovely! Their beauty lifted my spirit, and took me out of myself. I was aware of the improvement in my mood, reminded again how powerful creativity is for me. So I looked up blogs on art therapy, and found lots of people who practise it to recover from trauma or manage mental health. There were paintings, pottery pieces, sculptures. I came across one woman's work that I particularly liked. That's beautiful! Look at the colour she has used! Maybe I could do colour? My things have been a bit bleak and monotone. I know, I could do a series! Maybe I could email her, and tell her that I like her art. I wondered if there might be a place for me in that community and resolved to always draw something to go with each post in my blog, because it's so uplifting.

In the space of half an hour, I had gone from hopelessness to optimism, and dread to excitement. I had a small hope for a connection, and found a potential new way to engage with the world. Further still, my inner self - the sad one, was strengthened, and I didn't need the bossy version of me anymore. No need to call it a fucking feather - poor, sweet thing! I felt protective towards the feather, had a plan for the day, and I liked it. I hurried the kids along, suddenly eager to get on with it all.

Creativity had zapped my gloom with a shot of the good stuff.



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